I’ve realized this past week that the only time I’m truly happy is when I’m working. When the kids distract me completely from life and I can forget about drama with “friends,” the fact that my mom is moving across the country in December, and my general depression that makes me not even want to get out of bed in the morning.
I honestly don’t know why I do. I guess because, plain and simple, I have to. Gotta make the money. Gotta force myself to face people.
I’ve been waiting for the day when someone notices the blank expression on my face. Maybe they’ll see in my eyes the pure sadness I feel. I remember this happened when I was in college. I was sitting outside my yoga class studying before it started.. Actually I probably wasn’t doing a lot of studying because I spaced out and Suddenly this woman walking by slowed down, did a double take, and came back to me to say, “Are you okay?” Just like that. It touched me. Most of us go about our days, ignoring strangers, not making eye contact. But she noticed me. Of course I lied and said I was fine. “Fine.”
Because the truth of this depression is that it just doesn’t go away. I’ve tried all the meds, therapy, exercise, distracting myself with projects and outings with friends. But at the end of all that, all I want to do is sleep. Curl into a ball and forget I have anything that needs to be done. Forget that I have people counting on me. I’m just tired of letting people down and tired of letting my own damn self down.
I am my own harshest critic, I have to remember that. People say take it easy, don’t be too hard on myself. Is there a manual for how to do that?
I don’t mean to freak out anyone who is reading this. Just sending these thoughts out into the big wide web. Maybe someone can relate.