Preface: I’m realizing my blog is consisting of a lot of lists lately, so I figure, why not continue with this trend? People love lists! They read quickly, it feels like you’re making progress, and … yeah that’s the end of my list (ha). They’re super easy to write, too!
One of the first things I do after my cell phone alarm goes off in the morning is check my email. I’ll quickly see what there is that isn’t junk mail to kind of jump start my brain.
Well, there was an email from my grampa the other morning. (I love getting emails from my family, especially my mom’s side which, and I hope my dad never reads this, I happen to think is the best.) My grampa’s email was basically asking me what I’m doing with my life (ha, that’s such a fun question to get when you’re a post grad). And instead of feeling the encouragement vibe from him, I felt attacked.
It got me thinking. There are certain things about post grad life that are really annoying me lately so I just have to rant.
1. Being a disappointment.
Yes, I do care what other people think of me, especially right now. Your post grad life is supposed to be this ground-breaking time of life where you pick the direction your life is going in. Any judgment is personal and leaves a mark in your back… but I’m discovering that post grad life is where those marks are most red and most deep. Each “are you still living with your mom?” or “have you applied anywhere lately?” question is a deep dig.
Of course I’m applying. Everywhere and anywhere, thank you very much! And yes, to answer your question, for now I am with my mother. But in my defense, it’s only until June.
Then there’s always the part where I’m subconsciously compared to my step sibling, who is only a couple years older than me but already has a $40,000 salary. I realize comparing oneself is a trap and should not be used to measure progress, but sometimes I’m human and I can’t help it.
2. Being reminded of my failures.
“Why did you come home from Georgia?” my grampa basically asked me. I believe “dismayed” is the word he used to describe his feelings toward my life. And though he most likely did not mean his comments harshly, that’s how they came off. (That’s probably an indicator of how sensitive I am lately.)
I already feel like a screw-up, I already feel miserable about my recent life decisions, and just like that quote from Hannah in Girls:
No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay? So any mean thing someone’s gonna think of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last half hour!
That’s me in a nutshell right now. No one seems to get that they don’t need to add their critical opinions of my post grad life. I take care of that on my own, so they don’t need to work that shift anymore.
Yeah, yeah, people always say you shouldn’t have regrets in your life because it brought you where you are today, and such and such wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t done blah blah blah. You know what? I’m gonna have regrets. I am all for wishing you’d done something different and genuinely wanting to go back in time to change things. If teleportation was available for a trial run tomorrow, I’d be first in line. I’d probably change my major in college and make a move on a great guy who was too shy to make a move when we dated, among other things.
4. Being a
burden inconvenience addition.
Despite lengthy talks with my mother about how I honestly feel like I’m a burden to her and my stepdad right now by living with them, and despite her reassuring me that I’m not, I still feel like I am. And I get it, that’s my issue. But good Lord, someone needs to write some articles about the baggage that comes with post grad life to prepare everyone else for what’s comin’. I was not prepared for the guilt of living back at home. Do all post grads experience this? It’s almost unbearable. No matter how many times I do the dinner dishes, pay for fill-in grocery items, or take out the trash, it will never make up for the feeling of “you know this is our house, right?” Of course I know it’s your house, your plates I’m eating off of, your loft I’m borrowing to sleep in. Sometimes I drive around the neighborhood a couple times before going home after work just to put off the “coming home to someone else’s house” feeling on my back.
5. Sleeping in is not a possibility. Except on weekends.
Wow, I guess I’m a normal person now, huh. Bottom line: I miss sleeping in. I miss being able to wake up and decide, “Ohp, actually I don’t want to go to class today! I think I’ll stay in bed a couple more hours!” There’s a difference between waking up at 7 or 8 am to go to a job you love and waking up at 7 or 8 am to go to a job you love more.
If you’re a post grad reading this, is there anything you would add to the list?