Tomorrow will mark one year since my grandma passed away. It still feels like it just happened, but I guess that feeling is expected when you’re grieving. Sometimes I feel guilty for having tried to move on with my life, but I know she wouldn’t want me to feel that way.
I just hope she looks down on me and is proud of what she sees. It’s really not until you lose someone that you realize all of the things you wish you’d done with/asked that person. Here is my list, which, trust me, gets longer every day.
1. Made rhubarb pie.
Rhubarb pie, cake, cookies, tarts, anything! She had so much of it growing in her garden and every summer I visited, we always put it on our list of things to do, yet we never got around to it. Now that someone else is living in her house, I look back with so much regret and self-shaming.
2. Asked her more questions.
Most of our conversations were llengthy things, often taking off into the late night hours when most late shows had ended. We did a lot of talking, and I guess I’m realizing all over again that our talks never really ended for me… I’m finding myself with a brain full of questions that will probably plague me forever. I wish I had asked her more about her life.
3. Gone for a walk.
She had a long dirt road and yet we never walked it together. Why oh why did we not go for a hike, a stroll, a something? Come to think of it, I never really saw her interact with nature, unless you count with her own property, which she used and worked like a pro.
4. Talked about travel.
I know she went to the Virgin Islands, but did she travel anywhere else? Was there anywhere in the world she particularly did or did not want to see?
5. Asked what her favorite part of life was.
It sounds like a depressing topic, but you could ask anyone this, whether or not they had stage four cancer or not. I don’t think she would’ve been able to answer at the time, because it is such a big question, but I know her answer would’ve been a great one.
6. Asked what the most difficult part of life was for her.
We all go through hard times – it’s always interesting to me finding out what struggles others have been through and how they dealt with them.
7. Went to the ocean.
Granted, she lived in Spokane, WA, which isn’t exactly close to the ocean, but I know she loved the ocean and I would’ve loved to experience it with her.
Those paint your own pottery stores are known for bringing out the creative spirit in all of us. I would’ve loved to see hers come out.
9. Gone over her journalism work.
We both love writing and journalism. I ended up with her portfolio and we never went over it. That is one I am really kicking myself for.
10. Been more open.
I wish I could go back and tell her exactly how much she was inspired me. I hope she sees me every day and is proud that I’m following her footsteps (sort of), and succeeding. A lot of my success is because of her. The encouragement she gave was invaluable and endless. She made me feel like the most important person in the world; like I could improve and really make a difference. I miss that feeling and wish I could tell her thank you.