I thought I could make it without doing another post about Married Dude, but I gotta put this out there. If for no other reason than I hope that no other person makes the same mistake I did.
I just can’t come to a resolution about Married Dude. Always fucking Married Dude. I hate him for getting inside my head and making me, I hate to admit it, miserable. I hate him, I hate him. I hope he’s torn up about what he did to me. I don’t wish any ill fortune on him, but I do hope he thinks about me every day. If The Wife cheats on him again, good – Married Dude needs to learn a damn lesson already. You know, I used to think it was probably something I did or didn’t do that made him just stop talking to me again, but that’s bullshit. I did everything right, and more.
I hate him for making me hate myself. I hate myself for sending him those photos, I hate myself for falling into his trap, and I hate myself for saying “yes” when he asked if I would be his girlfriend. I was so, so, so stupid. I got caught up in the moment. If I had been thinking clearly, I would’ve said no. You need to divorce your fucking wife first. But I was too gullible. It’s embarrassing putting yourself on the line for someone who won’t do the same.
You cannot have a relationship with someone who is still in one with someone else, and I would’ve said that to myself had he not gotten in my head and messed with me. It’s laughable that I told him yes, I’ll be your girl. All I feel now is stupidity and embarrassment. Some would say I brought this on myself, and maybe part of that is true, but you know, a gentleman doesn’t act like that. He handles his shit before starting something new.
Because of Married Dude, I’m starting to think I’m ruined. My “relationship,” or whatever the hell it was, with him has ruined me for any and all future relationships I will ever have.
He was my first love and therefore I will compare him to any guy I ever meet from here on out. I didn’t necessarily start comparing after we broke up (because another guy quickly took his place), but now that I keep having these on-and-off-texts-and-calls with Married Dude, it’s making it harder to forget him and to get over him. And to move on. Which is exactly what he wants of course. While it should make me hate him and that much more motivated to get over him as fast as humanly possible, it makes me hurt more.
I hate that Married Dude has this much power over me. I certainly never wanted to be the girl who swooned and fell all over a guy and loses herself in the process. But I did. It’s like I’ll go a whole week without thinking about him, and then a Nickleback song comes on the radio, or a commercial playing the “Summer Nights” song from Grease is on the telly, or there’s something on the news about another U.S. soldier who died.
You know how certain songs and places will remind you of a person? I remember telling a friend that that’s how I feel and all she said was “you get over it.” Unfortunately, she couldn’t give me a timeline for how long this would last. She said she used to feel like that, too, but that eventually the sentimental meaning disappears. Is that true? I’m starting to feel like it isn’t. I will always associate Nickleback, Grease, and the army with him, and I hate that.
I want to forget about him so much that the other day, when I got an email about a freaking hypnosis special, I actually considered it. Laugh now, but hypnosis is quickly becoming more and more recognized as a significant solution to lots of problems. Turns out, hypnosis has been used for centuries to help control pain, including during the Civil War when Army surgeons hypnotized injured soldiers before amputations. When my great grandmother was 65 years old, she used hypnosis to quit smoking and it worked, so why not for relationships? Obviously, more research is needed, but I’m not ignoring it as a possibility.