You know what? It’s true what they say. Time heals all wounds. Well… maybe not all wounds, but it heals most of them.
I was wounded after he stopped all communication with me. I still don’t really know why he stopped, but I do know that I’m done imagining scenarios and torturing myself.
I’m so lucky to have great friends who set the example of what a healthy relationship is. Alandra’s boyfiend, Brian, takes her out to the movies every Tuesday night , and he never fails to open doors. Now that’s a true gentleman. Destiny can be a diva (in a good way!), but her boyfriend loves her and they are the cutest couple, supporting each other through everything and showing their affection in what I can only imagine are hundreds of different ways. These are the qualities of good men and good relationships, not the back and forth whirlwind, never-know-if-I’m-on-his-mind kind of thing. Our “relationship”
is was completely through text and phone calls, and you cannot have a relationship through text! I’m not perfect, but I do know that I deserve a good guy. I deserve the hearts and flowers, and the effort. I deserve more than half of someone’s love.
I could say that all this time of not talking to him gave me the chance for “self reflection and discovery,” but there’s more to it. My grandmother passed away June 7th, a week before my college graduation. She was my rock and the loss has been devastating. I am absolutely heartbroken. I feel like a part of me has died. After she passed, I was at her home in Washington, helping the family pack up the house. It rained buckets the entire time and the thunder and lightning wasn’t far behind. It was like when my grandma died, the world was crying with me. I think I would’ve been angry if it had been sunny; somehow that just wouldn’t be appropriate.
As much sadness as there has been, I’ve somehow been able to think straight and dig to see if there’s a lesson in her passing. I’ve been thinking back to all these things she used to say to me. “Buy good furniture,” “if you buy one cat, buy another cat so they can talk to each other,” things like that. But there was something else she said to me that, at the time, I thought didn’t apply to me. I can still picture the exact conversation like it was yesterday. She was sitting across from me at the infamous dining table, where all Big conversations were held and all three hour “chats” took place.
“You remember when I told you to trust your instincts?” she said with a serious stare.
“Yeah, you tell me that all the time,” I said.
“OK, well then I also want you to know not only to trust your instincts, but to listen to them.”
This conversation has been repeating in my head for quite awhile now. Trust yourself, trust yourself, trust yourself. This entire thing with him has me doubting everything I’ve ever said to him while he’s been married to her. Some days it smacks me in the head, hard. Wham! Why did you say you love him? Wham! Why did you tell him you trust him? And then that familiar pang of guilt and shame follows. But I’m done. If I’m having any doubts now that I would hesitate if he called and wanted to work it out, then I’m trusting that. I need to remember how much pain I’m in right now and how much heartbreak it’s caused me. AND how unbearable the first few weeks were after I realized he wasn’t going to call.
I just hope I was on his mind half as much as he was on mine so I won’t feel so fucking stupid.