Lately I’ve been trying to figure out what constitutes being “over” someone. I have text messages saved from him that I haven’t deleted. There are also text messages from his wife. She somehow got my number and sent me some nasty words when she found out about me. (Then she switched her tactic to begging me to talk to her.) I don’t know why I saved those messages. I guess part of me is thinking, hypothetically of course, that one day he’ll talk to me again. We’ll laugh about all this drama we went through and I’ll just pull out my phone and say, “Hey, this is what she said to me, by the way…” What good that will do, I have no idea.
Maybe I’m saving the messages as proof that this all happened. I don’t want to give up and think that everything he said to me was a lie. I don’t want to believe that. I have to think that he meant at least some of it. Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly nostalgic, I read them right before I fall asleep. It’s comforting to know that they’re accessible whenever I want/need them to be. If I erase it all, it’s like it never happened. But ya know, it’s already almost like it never happened because look at where this has gotten me. And the more I think about it all, the more I start to hate him for doing this to me.
I was telling Alandra earlier tonight that sometimes the whole thing makes me think that, dammit, I do deserve a guy who will pay for dates and do nice things for me. I don’t deserve to be jerked around and put on hold or on the back burner. I want to be someone’s first choice.
Last night I was watching He’s Just Not That Into You and the part where Justin Long’s character is telling Ginnifer Goodwin’s character, “if a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, it’s because he genuinely doesn’t give a shit” was like a wake-up call. But it made me wonder: does it count if he doesn’t think he’s treating you like shit?
I guess I just wonder when I’ll be able to delete those messages. Maybe I am too scared to think that the guy I truly cared about lied to me. It hurts me to think that he doesn’t think I deserve better than the behavior he’s shown me. Maybe I’m too scared to move on. There will always be that hope.