College / Happiness / Relationships / The Other Woman

How to Deal… With Heartbreak

I’m dealing with a major heartbreak right now. I’ve been “the other woman” for a little over a year now, although part of me has no idea how I could call myself that when we haven’t done anything physical. It’s been a constant period of one month of us talking and then one or two months (usually two) of us not talking. Each time he stops talking to me, I have no idea when or even if I’ll hear from him again and that wondering does awful things to me. I find myself not able to accomplish anything, which, in turn, makes me feel powerless and helpless.

It sucks mostly because I never pictured myself as this girl. Truthfully, I never really had a “strong female role model” to look up to, so what I learned about a girl remaining strong when relationships aren’t going as planned was from movies and books, and from my now mentor, Lori, whom I met through Big Brothers Big Sisters when I was just 14. She’s watched me go through this “thing” ever since it started. She’s always passing out those “you’re better than that” and “you deserve a guy who will bring you flowers” comments. I know she means well, but most of the time it makes me feel worse because I don’t have a guy like that. At least not yet.

Last night I pored myself over Tumblr’s and tweets of inspiring quotes, hoping one quote would kick me into a “you have got to get over him” drive, but I only ended up more confused. Part of me wants to find a guy I can just use for “a good screw,” as my grandmother put it, but part of me wants (and needs?) to do this on my own; prove to myself that I can and that I am stronger than I feel. It’s kinda like dieting. You want the chocolate cake just to make the craving go away… but you know that once you have the chocolate cake, you’re only going to feel better for a couple of minutes. Temporary satisfaction is not the fix to a situation like this.

So, my readers, if you’re dealing with heartbreak.. how do you deal with it? Any secrets for your fellow girl?

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4 thoughts on “How to Deal… With Heartbreak

  1. “Each time he stops talking to me, I have no idea when or even if I’ll hear from him again and that wondering does awful things to me.”

    I agree, a temporary fix is not the solution.

    Let me give you some background. When I talk to other guys, they reassure me that she was a terrible person anyways and that there are other fish in the sea (which is very bad advice to get in the first place). When I talk to girls, they say the same thing–albeit with “nicer” words.

    Everyone has their own methods of coping. For me, I realized that it’s best that I solve this on my own because, no amount of advice that I receive from people will help me. Don’t get me wrong, I love talking it out with people and they help me get to the finish line, but in the end it is up to ME to cross the finish line.

    As stupid as this sounds, I ask myself: O.k. What am I going to do now? I also have to ask myself: What will it take for me to accept the heartbreak; in other words: What do I WANT that will make me accept it. It’s more than mere acceptance. It’s more than trying to ignore the situation–i.e., another form of denial. I try to ask questions that will get me to look back at that heartbreak and think “yeah, that was me in the past.”

    I ponder these questions as I walk to school and exercise. Furthermore, I’m the type that must deal with it ASAP because I also have to remind myself that I have a life to live whether we both want each other in our lives or not.

  2. Reblogged this on I AM GALTHOR!!! KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR! and commented:
    I want to complete this thought because this entry got me thinking. What I really want is to look back at the situation and laugh it off because, well, I am just a college sophomore. What do I know about life, love, and relationships? I don’t want high-school drama to follow me through college. However, at the same time, being in college made me realize that this shit is real. The fun we have at parties, in class (for me), and with friends shrouds the fact that life very much real for college students. We aren’t guided anymore. Furthermore, part of that is beginning to deal with things independently. When I look at the relationship in relation to Ahana, I realize that she is one type of girl that I do NOT want in my life as a “significant other.” It would be nice to be friends, and I want that to happen both at the minimum and maximum. When I flip the situation around and I see things from her perspective, she doesn’t realize how much it hurts and offends me. In fact, I’m sure that she has already moved on because she just does NOT care. When I flip the tables back to me, I ask myself: Was it worth it to invest time with her? Furthermore, do I want another girl in the future to be just like her?
    I approach this situation with an iron fist because in the end, when I ask myself how I am feeling, it’s not anger or sadness, it’s disappointment. I am just disappointed that I fell for a girl who I thought was “the one.” It’s even worse because this is the SECOND chance that we both gave each other. They say third time is the charm. Hell, no. For sure, what I learned from this ordeal is what I do NOT want in a girl, and essentially, I do not want another girl like her. I know this sounds mean, but she taught me that a girl like her is incompatible for a person like me, and I should use this new found lesson as a way to prevent another fiasco that I just went through.

  3. Well, I think you do deserve more. I don’t think you should feel bad for not having a guy like the one your mentor described. A lot of things have to magically come together for things like that to happen, and one of those factors is your mindset. If you act and feel open to meeting people, then they’re more likely to show up when they weren’t there before. You have to believe you’re better than the way this guy treats you before you’re going to get over your heartbreak. Claim your power back. It belongs to you.

    As for dealing with heartbreak, writing about it always helps me grasp why it hurts so much, what he or I did wrong, and where there might be light at the end of the tunnel. I also try to picture how I can improve my life, now that he (and the pain associated with him) are gone. Then I throw myself into it. I get back in touch with my passions and goals, surround myself with friends, and find myself happier than ever before. One note: I’m not a fan of being angry to get over heartbreak. It’s wasted energy. I did finally take off my rose-colored glasses and was able to see him objectively, which helped me realize how much of a jerk he was to me. But there was no point in holding a grudge, so eventually we got to a point where we became colleagues/lunch date friends.

    Not sure if any of this helps, but I know you’ll figure this all out in time, and I hope you can move past this 🙂

  4. Hi, i dont even know where to begin, im 33 years old & the man that i thought i was going to marry just ended the relationship, he wasnt cheating, niether was i, apparently it just wasnt working. I am usually a very strong woman but for the life of me I cannot get past this, i feel all my dreams have been shattered. This was the only time that i actually gave myself completely to someone without holding anything back, I cant understand if he loves me why couldnt he fight with me to make it work. All I can think about is how am I going to get through the next hour. i trully cannot take the pain anymore, please help:(

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