College / Relationships

How to Lose a Girl in 9 Ways

I was inspired to make this list by a guy (let’s call him R) who is friends with one of my exes (we’ll call him J). After I broke up with J, R confessed to me that J had cheated on me during our entire relationship with three, count ’em three, different girls. How I had missed the signs, I have no idea. To this day, I still don’t know if I can trust that what R is telling me is the truth.

Anyway, R now has a crush on me and has been hitting on me since before my ex and I broke up. He even sent me messages on Facebook telling me to “text him sometime.” I know what you’re thinking: “What’s wrong with that?” I would’ve thought the same thing if it weren’t for his flirtatious behavior in person. After the breakup, I did text R and we have been talking ever since.

The whole time, though, I’ve been struggling with the fact that he and I, while I can deny it all I want, do have chemistry. We went for a walk last week by the lake when it was a full moon. He’s nerdy in his own way; tall, probably over 6′, long curly hair that is smushed down by a black beanie, and he always wears the same blue jeans and black sweatshirt. After our walk as I was driving home, this overwhelming uncomfortable feeling took over, and I physically tried to shake it off. I knew that I didn’t want to be in a relationship.

It’s almost a week later and I’ve had an epiphany: It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship. It’s that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. Sure, it may have been fun texting him at first and having someone to flirt with and be adored by (because what girl doesn’t want that?), but his adoration has turned into clinginess and I am now, more than ever, turned off.

So to all the men out there trying to woo their bonnie lass (thanks for the lingo, Jack Sparrow), take a few pointers from one girl who will tell you that if you want to lose said girl, you can always try one of these methods:

1. Start talking about anime.

No girl is interested in hearing about the anime T.V. shows you watch. No matter how much she may tell you it’s dorky and cute that you like it, she is secretly wishing she had never started talking to you. Women want a man who is strong (or at least appears that way) and has “manly” hobbies, like basketball.

This gives new meaning to the term ‘speed-dating.’

2. Wear a hat… All. The. Freakin’. Time.

It doesn’t matter what type of hat it is. I don’t even care if it has the name of a sports team I love… but take it off within the first few “hang out” dates. I would like to see what you look like without it because then I can decide if I want to dump you sooner.

3. Tell her you’re “not the guy standing outside your window watching you.”

Yes ladies, a guy actually texted that to me. Who, besides a crazy stalker in the making, says that to a girl they want even a smidgen of a chance with?! Just don’t do it. Just don’t.

4. Make references to Ace Ventura.

I’m a fan of comedy like anyone else, but the minute you tell me to “bend over and say hello like Ace Ventura,” I’ve lost all respect for you and you’ve lost my attention. Goodbye.

5. Tell her about how you’re learning to fly in your dreams.

Seriously? I really don’t care to hear about what weird dreams you’re having or your advice that I should concentrate on my “third eye” if I want to fly in my dreams. Can we say weird? Save this until you know what my personality type is and how I’ll react to something like this.  Better to not say anything like this at all.

6. Wear the same clothes over and over.

If women have to put effort into what they wear each day, why don’t men? Plus, there’s no way those clothes are still clean. We all know what men do when they’re alone. Need I say more?

7. Beg… in a desperate, clingy way.

Sometimes begging can be cute. Some guys look pretty irresistible when they pout their lips and want something from us, I’ll admit that. However, begging goes too far and ya just look bad. This is the one time when “I’ll give you chocolate” doesn’t work. The quickest way to look desperate is by sending text messages every 3-5 minutes when you don’t get an answer from us right away. And in case you still haven’t gotten the point here: Desperate and clingy = bad.

8. Ask to see her naked.

Maybe I should clarify this one. If you’ve only known her a couple of weeks, and you two have only hung out once or twice, do not, for the love of all that is holy, text her and ask to see her naked. Not only is it totally weird, it’s also totally gross and completely ungentlemanlike. At least wait until after you two have shared a first kiss!

9. Tell her that you’re really “Jesus, but pretending to blend in with other people.”

Self-explanatory.

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